We are all prejudiced

I have become a little infuriated recently be some misconceptions. 

Let me state that I am a heterosexual, Caucasian, male.  This may have been obvious.  Whether or not you believe it, that means I got to play the "game of life" on easy mode.

The society we live in has a set of implicit beliefs.  You need not agree with them.  I hope that you do not.  You may even choose to deny their existence if you wish.  However, the subject and a reference to my race and sexuality has probably already caused you certain conceptions to form.

The story that our society tells about me is beneficial to me.  According to the story, I am boring, dependable, out-of-touch, rich, I lack athletic ability, I am married, I am conservative, I cheat on my wife, etc.  This story may not be the story I want to tell, but it has been useful to me.  You may not wish me to be on your pick-up basketball team, but you do wish to employ me.  Is this a horrible situation? Yes.  But pretending that the situation doesn't exist, is not a solution.  Pretending that this misconception does not benefit me; pretending that I am not a member of the privileged group in our society; to basically deny one part of the problem; is insulting to all other groups as well as insulting to me personally.

The terms we use are even indicative of the underlying problem.  We "discriminate".  Our brains separate, categorize, discern.  It was not until after the U.S. Civil War that "discrimination" took on a different meaning than "discriminating".  Is our pattern recognition faulty? Yes. Do we err? Often.  Does it seem to be an inherent process of human consciousness? Yes.

In my particular case, I have grown tired of my ethnic peers denying the opportunities they have had; believing the antiquated Social Darwinism that is still propagated.  The game is not fair.  Anyone who feeds off errant pattern recognition is not on your side.  Anyone who wishes to separate people and to categorize them is degrading them.

We are flawed.  We are also conscious.  We can know that we are flawed.  We can make ourselves better.  The first step is honesty.  It is time we stop hiding behind words.  I have my prejudices.  I can not say how or when they were formed.  I have chosen to recognize them and remove them from my psyche, but some remain and I do not know if I will ever be free of them.

The second step... Well, that involves talking.  Prejudices are shattered in the same way scientific theories are: contrary evidence.  If you get to know me, I'm no longer "a heterosexual, Caucasian, male", I'm Frank.

You pay the co-pay

I could have sworn I wrote this blog long ago, but I did not see any reference to it.  The expression is my mother's.  It references seeking the advice of a mental health professional.  For those lucky enough to have coverage for mental health consultation, there are no real barriers to treatment.  There may be barriers, but they have no substance.

I have had a rather odd relationship with therapy.  Well, I consider it odd.  Therapists vary greatly in their adaptability, specialization, and skill.  The same could be said of many professionals, but the mind doesn't not allow results to be easily measured.  One can not simply rely on recommendations or commercial success in choosing a provider.  I cannot say that all the providers I have interacted with were helpful.

But therapy is not meant to be curative.  It is meant to be therapeutic.  A capable therapist allows their patient to voice their thoughts.  The patient may or may not come to some realization.  The patient may or may not feel relieved to express something.  It is quite possible that you may develop a relationship that allows for such expression outside of a therapeutic environment.  However, emotional investment can quickly become an issue.

I have chosen to avoid therapy more often than not.  The propensity of drug treatment, lack of self-awareness, and misunderstandings regarding mental health caused me to internalize.  I do not regret the result.  I may have become overly-reliant on escapism but I believe I did gain insight.  However, I have turned from escapism and now find that I lack other coping strategies.

And so, I pay the co-pay.  I give voice to my thoughts without ruining someone else's day.  I am glad that this opportunity exists.  Consider it a crutch if you wish, but sometimes using a crutch is the only way to keep moving.

Get back up

I am not a physician or a psychologist.  I do not provide advice to others in regards to their mental health.  I can not know the mind of others.  I believe that all humans are unique and that there is not "one answer".  What I will do is share a coping methods in the hopes that it helps some one.

You see, I have always been my own worst critic.  A critic that can never be satisfied.  A critic that expects acts of legend.  A critic that requires immortality.

This personality trait has driven me.  Although I will not succeed, I have tried to be above criticism... to overpower the doubt with pride.  I have had fleeting moments where my successes were enough.

I have from time to time be overcome.  The self-doubt has reached the point of self-loathing.  I have allowed it to sweep over me.  I have sought escape in myriad forms.  I have become stronger as I've grown older.  I have fought the battle again and again and the victories of the past empower me.  But, I am not yet immune.

Throughout my life, I have maintained one coping mechanism.  At my lowest, my spite remained.  The venom in my veins has allowed me to move forward.  I have not broken in large part, because I refuse to kneel.  The very act of questioning my strength fuels me.  The emotion of fear drives me to be reckless.

If you have reached a point where the destructive thoughts hold sway...  If you wish for escape in any of its forms...  If you don't have the strength to keep going... I ask you to confront what is destroying you.  Give it form.  Confront it's lies and anger and fear.  Spit its words back at it.  For it is of you and less than you.  If you are weak, it is weaker.  Any faults it may point out are its faults as well.  Let yourself seethe for you are being attacked.

And as you have again and again...

Get back up.