You pay the co-pay

I could have sworn I wrote this blog long ago, but I did not see any reference to it.  The expression is my mother's.  It references seeking the advice of a mental health professional.  For those lucky enough to have coverage for mental health consultation, there are no real barriers to treatment.  There may be barriers, but they have no substance.

I have had a rather odd relationship with therapy.  Well, I consider it odd.  Therapists vary greatly in their adaptability, specialization, and skill.  The same could be said of many professionals, but the mind doesn't not allow results to be easily measured.  One can not simply rely on recommendations or commercial success in choosing a provider.  I cannot say that all the providers I have interacted with were helpful.

But therapy is not meant to be curative.  It is meant to be therapeutic.  A capable therapist allows their patient to voice their thoughts.  The patient may or may not come to some realization.  The patient may or may not feel relieved to express something.  It is quite possible that you may develop a relationship that allows for such expression outside of a therapeutic environment.  However, emotional investment can quickly become an issue.

I have chosen to avoid therapy more often than not.  The propensity of drug treatment, lack of self-awareness, and misunderstandings regarding mental health caused me to internalize.  I do not regret the result.  I may have become overly-reliant on escapism but I believe I did gain insight.  However, I have turned from escapism and now find that I lack other coping strategies.

And so, I pay the co-pay.  I give voice to my thoughts without ruining someone else's day.  I am glad that this opportunity exists.  Consider it a crutch if you wish, but sometimes using a crutch is the only way to keep moving.

They were never demons...

I have referred in the past to demons.  I have used the phrase to refer to aspects of my personality.  I now consider that a poor choice.  Externalizing aspects of your personality can seem advantageous but the idea is flawed.  Personalities are not divisible with some rare exceptions.  We are integrated beings with an integrated consciousness.

There are no demons.  There are neurochemical imbalances.  There are neuroses.  There are parts of our psyche that are considered outside the norm.  There is illness.  There is disease.  If these effect the brain, then they are still illness and disease.

But "the norm" has become too narrow and we have allowed ourselves to blur the line between illness, disease, and simple variation.  The human brain has proven again and again that our measurements will not give adequate data.  It is the secret to our adaptation.  My ancestors and I could not change our physical structure, but we can change the control mechanism instantaneously.  Unlike their fellow physicians, psychiatrists and psychologists have a moving target.

I spent many years considering some of my own thoughts as coming from somewhere else.  A portion of myself as distinct and walled off by will.  That explanation does not quite serve.  I have known the thoughts to be my own.  I simply denied them validity.

But self-loathing is part of what I am.  It is part of the balance.  It is simply a manifestation of self-doubt.  All beliefs must be able to stand up to criticism including the belief in ourselves.  Perhaps others do not encounter such things.  It is not my place to ask.  It is simply my place to accept these things about myself.  I have not truly done so.

Stories about a scared little boy...  Visualizing my younger self as something that was overcome is denying a part of myself.  That scared little boy did not fight some demons and get replaced.  I am that scared little boy.  To refer to myself in the third person just leads to confusion.  I have changed.  All humans change.  A lot of the things I feared I simply don't fear any more.  I confronted those fears.  That thought is empowering.  The thought that I had to loose part of myself to get here is not.  I have changed.  I will continue to change. The changes have been an improvement.  I will continue to improve.  Not all changes are improvements; but as long as I draw breath, I can improve.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go have a talk with somebody... me