Errant empathy

Let me start with what I believe to be generally agreeable to most people.  Humans are capable of empathy.  Empathy is a useful trait among social animals.  This trait is particularly useful in humans as our infants are born so helpless.

Let me further state that altruistic behaviors by such a species is not only possible but in some cases useful.

Now, here's where I go off the deep end.  I think that the very thing that some would argue makes us human, or at least distinct from machines, can go awry.  Empathy often stays our hand.  In this sense, it can lead to errors in judgement, but these instances are uncommon in the day-to-day lives of those living in this society.  We have separated ourselves from the act of killing for food, for instance.

Empathy can also stay the tongue.  We are social creatures.  We interact with each other verbally.   We know that words can cause pain.  However, silence or words with no substance are not always the best approach, nor is pausing to consider every word.

We often are guarded, considering the opinions of others.  There are various reasons for that and how often empathy plays a role depends on consequences.  But the walls we put up are not simply to protect ourselves.  Something once spoken cannot be unspoken.  We do sometimes need to pause; to have a second opinion, even if it is from our own head.

The way others see us is also not a completely shallow concern.  Social interaction is the only way we connect.  We choose whether or not what they see is a mask or a projection.

In my case, too often, others have been presented with a mask.  In many cases, it was not for my own sake.  I spent too much time polishing and deburring my words.  Sometimes, I stopped myself from speaking all together.  Out of respect for privacy, I didn't ask questions and appeared to not care.  Out of respect for someone's comfort, I didn't start a conversation.  Because I feared that the interaction would make someone unhappy, I didn't interact.  It wasn't my own feelings I was concerned with.

And so, I will try to let others know my thoughts.  I will probably stick my foot in my mouth more often, but at least people will know I care.

About anger...

Those that do know me might be surprised to even see mention of anger.  Long ago, I came to the conclusion that anger was simply a destructive force and that it should be ignored.  Although some would argue that this is easier said than done, in my case it truly wasn't.

I've had very little to be angry about over the last 30 years or so.  I can recall nearly all of the moments I was ever angry.  My memory has never been that good, the moments have been that rare.

Perhaps, I should clarify.  In my view anger is the emotion best linked to lashing out.  It is not simply frustration.  When I speak of being angry, I am referring to times when I wanted to cause harm to another human being or at least wished them harm.  I guess others would use the word "rage" instead.  I think of it as the desire to cause destruction... throwing things, actual physical violence, or simply yelling at someone.  The driving force behind "losing one's temper".  This just shouldn't happen very often in the average life, and in my life it hasn't.  I have been quite calm when resigning.  I have been sad during break-ups, I have been disappointed in my fellow humans.  The last time I recall being angry was at a party roughly 10 years ago and at the time, the emotion shocked me.  I knew I was quite capable of physical violence and that a simple insult had caused the desire to do so.

I really don't know if the emotional response occurs and I repress it, or if it simply doesn't occur.  I do think the latter.  I do think that the moments of anger have been striking and rare.  I think that learning to repress them would require more experience with them.

I am trying to open up more.  I am trying to let what is felt be expressed.  If anger comes of this, so be it.  I actually doubt it will.