... this is gonna hurt like hell...

It has been a long year.

I had led a quiet life for so long.  I was often concerned that I was numb or simply disconnected.  Being content all the time was something I was told was impossible, and part of me listened.

I now know that I was never numb.  I was fortunate.  I understood the world and accepted it.  There were minor ups and downs.  I adapted to them.  I would say my life was filled with joy, but that isn't quite true.  I thought it was.  I had no idea.

I had seen it, but I didn't understand it.  Then, along came this girl.  I started using superlatives.  The concept of public ceremony made sense.  I finally understood what home meant.

But, as the universe has proven time and time again, all things balance.  To see all of the beauty, all of the light, to feel... you must take a risk.  I would learn of sorrow.  I would learn to cry.

Most importantly, I would learn that it was all worth it.  I got to be in love.  It redefined my reality.  It changed me.  I get to keep the memories.

I hope you all get the chance.

Novelty and change

I have probably mentioned that I do not fear change.  I consider change a paradoxical constant.  This is empowering living in the time period I do.  I have seen a fear of change cripple so many people.

However, there are two sides to everything.  Chasing novelty has probably contributed to the destruction of several marriages.  Others see stability, order, and constancy as ideals and equate change with chaos.  I often find myself basing decisions on whether or not I have already experienced something.  Boredom has a very negative effect on me.

I have been lucky.  My desire for change has never effected my relationships.  Human beings are far too complex to ever bore me or at least the humans I am drawn too are.  I feel sorry for any human you would describe as "simple".

I find myself once again seeing repetition, continuing a pattern, and my mind is rebelling.  I find myself looking at the variables and deciding which to change.  I do not consider any of the variables off-limits.  "Dropping everything" and "throwing caution to the wind" are inspiring phrases to me.

It may pass.  It often has.  The variables have a habit of changing on their own.  I hope they do again.  The universe is more creative than I am.  But, don't be too surprised if I "suddenly" do something "crazy".

Errant empathy

Let me start with what I believe to be generally agreeable to most people.  Humans are capable of empathy.  Empathy is a useful trait among social animals.  This trait is particularly useful in humans as our infants are born so helpless.

Let me further state that altruistic behaviors by such a species is not only possible but in some cases useful.

Now, here's where I go off the deep end.  I think that the very thing that some would argue makes us human, or at least distinct from machines, can go awry.  Empathy often stays our hand.  In this sense, it can lead to errors in judgement, but these instances are uncommon in the day-to-day lives of those living in this society.  We have separated ourselves from the act of killing for food, for instance.

Empathy can also stay the tongue.  We are social creatures.  We interact with each other verbally.   We know that words can cause pain.  However, silence or words with no substance are not always the best approach, nor is pausing to consider every word.

We often are guarded, considering the opinions of others.  There are various reasons for that and how often empathy plays a role depends on consequences.  But the walls we put up are not simply to protect ourselves.  Something once spoken cannot be unspoken.  We do sometimes need to pause; to have a second opinion, even if it is from our own head.

The way others see us is also not a completely shallow concern.  Social interaction is the only way we connect.  We choose whether or not what they see is a mask or a projection.

In my case, too often, others have been presented with a mask.  In many cases, it was not for my own sake.  I spent too much time polishing and deburring my words.  Sometimes, I stopped myself from speaking all together.  Out of respect for privacy, I didn't ask questions and appeared to not care.  Out of respect for someone's comfort, I didn't start a conversation.  Because I feared that the interaction would make someone unhappy, I didn't interact.  It wasn't my own feelings I was concerned with.

And so, I will try to let others know my thoughts.  I will probably stick my foot in my mouth more often, but at least people will know I care.