Waiting for trains

It seems like a cycle. I'm standing on a train platform at 6:36. My world is broken in to 10 minute intervals. One interval too many and you miss the train.

You then have 3 intervals until the next train so you run to the store. You run into a friend and chat..... The store lines are longer than expected... Another train missed... At this point, you are cautious, you throw one interval away and just arrive early to catch the train... So early you wonder if you can finish something else...

The end result is that life can't be broken in to 10-minute intervals no matter how much you think it can.

I guess that's what I've been coming back to again and again. The "structure" we try to impose on reality is a fable. The phone ringing isn't part of the plan. The train being late isn't part of the plan. Life is a random collection of events on a 4-D stage. I've met very few people that can think in 3 dimensions much less 4. If you want to get a sense of how complicated the universe is, think about your life but imagine if you were shifted by 5-minutes of 5 feet in any direction. The result quickly becomes another life. A life where you missed different trains and caught others. A life where none of the random events you remember occurred. Instead, a whole different set of random events occurred.

The truth is life is all random. We try to plan around it... Add our silly little borders... Level things out... Increase probabilities....

Some people do believe that there is something that can contemplate the whole mess, some grand project manager that has accounted for all of the variables. I can't tell them they are wrong, but I can't believe that anyone would plan something this complex.

I wouldn't have created something as chaotic as us. And yet, I would.... I could see being bored with a clockwork universe and throwing a wrench into it. I would create something worth talking to. I would create children. But I would interfere more. I would make it quite clear what I am and what I am not. I would let things go most of the time. Your children need to grow and find their own way, but we are still infants. I would let my praise and displeasure be known.

I think to myself that paying attention to some little group of mammals on a rock in an empty corner of a little galaxy is a bit much, but if you put all this into motion, if you tried to plan it all, shouldn't you have taken us into account?

There is also the idea that everything we do is minutae and the end result will be arrived at one way or another. I can't say that's not the case, but then why? What is the point of giving someone a project and not telling them the goal. If we are just some type of experiment, than the grand master of the universe is an asshole. This is obviously not a popular view, but it is the conclusion I reach time and again.

I do believe in regulating forces. Not karma per se (either the old or new definition) but probable karma. If you sow kindness with discretion, you will encourage the same in others. If you sow kindness without discretion, someone will take advantage. If you trade in violence, you are much more likely to die violently. I think these things not because of some law of three-fold return but simply because other humans will react to your behavior.

Tyrants were never overthrown by divine intervention. Most of those that exploited others died wealthy. The variables that influence our life expectancy are the same regardless of how nice we are.

And yet...

I feel that it will all work out. As time progresses, I see patterns whether they exist or not. I do believe that hard work leads to reward, even if I have no evidence that it does.

But then again, I do not work hard for the reward. I work hard because I have to. I work hard because it's what I am. I work hard because my mama raised me right.

I show kindness because it feels right. I show love to encourage others to do the same. I give what I can because I have it. I extend my hand because I feel good helping others. I extend my hand because my mama raised me right.

But I have no delusions. The people I help come in all shapes and sizes. There are those that will take advantage and those that meet kindness with disdain. This equates to its own type of karma. I offer everyone my hand once. After that, further assistance is discretionary. My mama didn't raise a fool.