Music...

+ k.

That is often how I indicate the spelling of my last name.  Whether by coincidence or a subconscious desire to meet the expectations of others, I have always surrounded myself with music.  It has become interlaced with memory.  "I Loved Her First" by Heartland will always be linked with my sister's wedding.  "Pinch Me" by Barenaked Ladies will always transport me to an apartment in Baltimore.  "My Immortal" by Evanescence makes me horribly aware of a woman that walked away.  "Rest Stop" by Matchbox 20 has become the theme of feelings I didn't have.

There are moments that I think should be punctuated by music that aren't and songs that don't resonate but are forever linked to events in my mind.  As time goes on, my iPod becomes filled with mnemonics.

As "Say Something" by A Great Big World becomes linked with the current chapter in my life, the pure evocative power of the music is lost.  It is both amplified and degraded.  I no longer hear the melody or the lyrics.  It does not wash over me but instead becomes merely a reflection of a thought.

I want the music back.  I want to feel the joy, the energy, and the sorrow of well-crafted songs. I want to feel the disappointment of a near miss.  I want to skip a song or change the channel based on the skill of the performer or my mood rather than past events.

For now, I will seek out new music.  I will allow myself to fade into the past from time to time, but spending too much time in the realm of memories has always seemed unhealthy to me.