Coming to realizations...

I think there are a lot of things I never understood.  Seeing them now does make me wish that I paid more attention.  I don't really think I've blocked out my emotions.  I don't really think I've repressed them.  I don't even really think I'm not in touch with them.  I don't know what I think anymore.

There are just so many things I heard others express that didn't effect me.  It wasn't hard for me to "go away" to college.  My family has been scattered to several different states and two continents.  It really didn't effect me the same way as it did others.

I've wanted to be independent for as long as I can remember.  Change and even failure never scared me.  I sort of anticipated both.  I don't even know if I had something to prove anymore.  I just know that I wanted to be something that others could lean on.  Something that could be counted on.  Something that could not be stopped.  Something great.  I will never let myself be less than that.  I guess somewhere along the way, I started viewing too many things as weaknesses.  I don't know.  But what I've become isn't great.  It isn't something that others lean on.

In the end, history will forget me.  This is the lot of us all.  I will not change the world.  I don't know if I even want to anymore.   But, there have always been far more important things.  If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go work on some of those.

More important than the weather...

I've been thinking about my last few blogs and the last few weeks. One might think that I was detached. I often come across that way. My nature is to flow. I can fight and do when I think the time is right. I do, however, ask myself if its worth it. I avoid unwinnable battles. I lose when it is expedient. I have my own form of sentimentality and although it might be expedient, I will never pretend to be something I'm not or fake an expression of emotion.

I find myself recently reunited with old demons. They have been weakened with each incarnation and now must rely on steallth, but the end result is the same. A spiral of self destruction... Escapism... Failing to dedicate time and energy to the things that matter.

The path seems less dangerous now. That is how it can manage to achieve its goal. The road looks slightly different and so I travel down it.

The good news is that I know the destination. I have seen it and walked away a dozen times. I will do so again. I have managed to avoid stepping too close to the edge. I do not anticippate getting anywhere near it this time. I have too much to lose.