Music...

+ k.

That is often how I indicate the spelling of my last name.  Whether by coincidence or a subconscious desire to meet the expectations of others, I have always surrounded myself with music.  It has become interlaced with memory.  "I Loved Her First" by Heartland will always be linked with my sister's wedding.  "Pinch Me" by Barenaked Ladies will always transport me to an apartment in Baltimore.  "My Immortal" by Evanescence makes me horribly aware of a woman that walked away.  "Rest Stop" by Matchbox 20 has become the theme of feelings I didn't have.

There are moments that I think should be punctuated by music that aren't and songs that don't resonate but are forever linked to events in my mind.  As time goes on, my iPod becomes filled with mnemonics.

As "Say Something" by A Great Big World becomes linked with the current chapter in my life, the pure evocative power of the music is lost.  It is both amplified and degraded.  I no longer hear the melody or the lyrics.  It does not wash over me but instead becomes merely a reflection of a thought.

I want the music back.  I want to feel the joy, the energy, and the sorrow of well-crafted songs. I want to feel the disappointment of a near miss.  I want to skip a song or change the channel based on the skill of the performer or my mood rather than past events.

For now, I will seek out new music.  I will allow myself to fade into the past from time to time, but spending too much time in the realm of memories has always seemed unhealthy to me.

Innocence

I have heard many speak of a loss they have suffered.  I do believe that many actually perceive a loss.  However, I do believe that those that lament the passage of innocence are mistaken.

We were ignorant when we first drew breath.  We were ignorant in our youth.  We were ignorant in our adolescence.  There may have been joy in these periods.  I hope very much that these years were filled with joy.  I believe we are born with few instincts.  I believe that for better or worse we are a product of our education.  Totally disconnected from the society at large a child would not survive long.  As we grow and learn from our peers, our elders, and other members of our social groups we become more able to deal with outside forces.

We learn.  We grow.  We become stronger.  We become better.  Now obviously this is not always the case.  By and large, however, as we gain knowledge, we improve.  We leave our ignorance behind.

I am not implying that innocence and ignorance are one in the same.  However, they are connected.  Innocence does not indicate without knowledge but rather without corruption.  Knowledge can often lead to corruption.  We often consider the two more related than they actually are.  We unfortunately teach many children that they are more related than they actually are.

We also teach an equivalency between corruption and a number of other things, most notably sexuality.  I feel we should move away from these destructive equivalencies, but I have written of that before and won't repeat myself at this time.  Instead, I will put forward that the innocence of our youth is a lack of knowledge of corruption.  I do not think this is any true measure of innocence.  If you do not know an act will cause others harm when you first perform the act, you are technically innocent.  It is only after this act, however, that innocence is a useful measure.

I do know of corruption.  I cannot claim I am totally free of it.  I have no interest in being so.  It is my knowledge of corruption that informs my morality.  My past departures from "innocence" have become part of who I am.  The knowledge I gained made me a better person. 

Morality is of no use without temptation.  Innocence that only exists due to ignorance has no value.  I am glad that I shed my "innocence".  It gave me the opportunity to be human.

There will be good days and bad days

I have only vague memories of heartache.  What I remember much more clearly is knowing that you are the source of another's heartache.  I remember the tears in others' eyes...  The tears I caused.  I will never forget those.  In truth, I will not allow myself to do so.

But no life is free from pain.  Well, no life worth living.

We are amazingly resilient creatures by and large.  We are designed to be tempered.  This is much clearer in the physical world.  Our skin forms callouses.  Our muscles tear and are rebuilt stronger than before.  Obviously we are limited, but one of the things that I find beautiful about us is that we keep getting back up.

The psyche has its own injuries.  Its own scars and forms of healing.

I'm going to recall past injuries and the recovery that followed each.  I am going to let time pass.  I'm going to keep getting up.  Some days that is more difficult than others.