In another world...

I was recently reminded of Burning Man.  This actually happens quite often in my world.  I won't try to describe the event or even go into details of my trips there.  I will not discuss the common misconceptions regarding the event.  I will simply state that the event and its attendants are amazing.  Thousands of people expressing joy.

What I was reminded of is slightly abstract.  Simply put, it is freedom.  To be overly simplistic, it is the place where I feel the illusion of safety has been dispelled.  With that illusion dispelled, many people let themselves feel and let themselves be.  If you choose to attempt something, it is very unlikely that anyone is going to attempt to stop you.  Words of warning are rare.  Without these, your mistakes, your ideas, your desires, your breakthroughs are your own.

Many people have no interest in such an environment.  Without the Leviathan of Hobbs, new systems form.  I am in no way saying that the resulting event is sustainable.  The environment makes it impossible for extended stays.  However, knowing that you can survive under such circumstances is empowering.

The event does not exist in a vacuum and the United States of America and the state of Nevada have jurisdiction over the event attendees.  But the location and size of the event limit the effect that the society as a whole has on its attendees.  Many of the systems that allow for our way of life simply do not exist on they playa.  Other systems have developed to allow the event to take place year after year. Common agreement has led to several conventions.  The event participants are all there voluntarily and the organizers have encouraged both a volunteer society and a barter economy.  The result is a beautiful testament to cooperation and adaptability and I am glad I got a chance to witness it.

I don't know if I will return to the playa in the future.  It has now been a number of years since my last visit.  The experience has remained vivid in my memory.  Those memories are a source of strength.  They remind me how amazing humans can be.  They remind me of how fortunate I am.  They remind me of the beauty of freedom.

About anger...

Those that do know me might be surprised to even see mention of anger.  Long ago, I came to the conclusion that anger was simply a destructive force and that it should be ignored.  Although some would argue that this is easier said than done, in my case it truly wasn't.

I've had very little to be angry about over the last 30 years or so.  I can recall nearly all of the moments I was ever angry.  My memory has never been that good, the moments have been that rare.

Perhaps, I should clarify.  In my view anger is the emotion best linked to lashing out.  It is not simply frustration.  When I speak of being angry, I am referring to times when I wanted to cause harm to another human being or at least wished them harm.  I guess others would use the word "rage" instead.  I think of it as the desire to cause destruction... throwing things, actual physical violence, or simply yelling at someone.  The driving force behind "losing one's temper".  This just shouldn't happen very often in the average life, and in my life it hasn't.  I have been quite calm when resigning.  I have been sad during break-ups, I have been disappointed in my fellow humans.  The last time I recall being angry was at a party roughly 10 years ago and at the time, the emotion shocked me.  I knew I was quite capable of physical violence and that a simple insult had caused the desire to do so.

I really don't know if the emotional response occurs and I repress it, or if it simply doesn't occur.  I do think the latter.  I do think that the moments of anger have been striking and rare.  I think that learning to repress them would require more experience with them.

I am trying to open up more.  I am trying to let what is felt be expressed.  If anger comes of this, so be it.  I actually doubt it will.

Coming to realizations...

I think there are a lot of things I never understood.  Seeing them now does make me wish that I paid more attention.  I don't really think I've blocked out my emotions.  I don't really think I've repressed them.  I don't even really think I'm not in touch with them.  I don't know what I think anymore.

There are just so many things I heard others express that didn't effect me.  It wasn't hard for me to "go away" to college.  My family has been scattered to several different states and two continents.  It really didn't effect me the same way as it did others.

I've wanted to be independent for as long as I can remember.  Change and even failure never scared me.  I sort of anticipated both.  I don't even know if I had something to prove anymore.  I just know that I wanted to be something that others could lean on.  Something that could be counted on.  Something that could not be stopped.  Something great.  I will never let myself be less than that.  I guess somewhere along the way, I started viewing too many things as weaknesses.  I don't know.  But what I've become isn't great.  It isn't something that others lean on.

In the end, history will forget me.  This is the lot of us all.  I will not change the world.  I don't know if I even want to anymore.   But, there have always been far more important things.  If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go work on some of those.